It takes two to tango, as the saying goes, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun by yourself…; So if you want to indulge in a bit of “self love”; (just a polite way of saying masturbation) then these may be the songs that you should listen to so as to get you lubricated musically, and in the mood for solo polo!
1. Darling Nikki: Prince
Knew a girl named Nikki,
I guess you could say she was a sex friend.
I met her in a hotel lobby,
Masturbating with a magazine.
What magazine though? Playgirl? Hello? Angling Times? We need to know! By the way, there’s some backward recorded mularkey in the song. I’m so sad I’ve recorded it and played it forward. It says
“Hello. How are you? I’m fine, ’cause I know that the lord is coming sooooon. Coming soon, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…”
2. I Touch Myself: The DiVinyls
Well the lyrics are pretty clear. She thinks about her man, ansd then she touch herself.Cue lots of internet and social network discussion on whether she’s thinking about a bloke or a woman, and where she is touching herself? The sites for this range from inner left nostril to split beaver, but it’s a sexy song for sure. And the one person she isn’t thinking of is the bloke in the band with (see photo), unless she’s into Uncle Fester’s Beatnick Banjo-playing spawn of Tyrion Lannister!
3. Dancing With Myself: Billy Idol
Ok, he says he’s only “Dancing” with himself, but I think we know he may be solo pole dancing! Put it away silly willy Billy!
4. She Bop: Cyndi Lauper
Cyndi Bops until she pops her rocks. A great video and great tune from everyone’s weird sister.
5. The Key To her Ferrari: Thomas Dolby
“fifty, sixty, seventy miles an hour…
my hand slipped inside the belt of my trousers
as we hit eighty, ninety miles an hour…
and as we passed the magic100 my love exploded
all over her bright pink leather interior…
And at that moment, I thought of my mother…”
With some great jazz guitar chords and a walking bass line, this is a song about a man who is so in love with his girlfriend’s Ferrari that he takes it for a spin and ends up spinning himself. Pity to have messed up that GTO interior. Maybe a spot of Vanish will remove the stain?
6. Roll you own: Jethro Tull
Not about rolling cigarettes, spliffs or sausages…as Ian Anderson explains at the start of this song on the video, it’s about what ladies do when the batteries have run out. And presumably the bloke (or lady) has also done a runner- so it’s time for private individual pleasure, and no Martin Barre/Mars Bar in sight for Marianne Faithfull!
7. Pink Thing: XTC
He’s crazy about his pink thing. A baby perhaps? A marshmallow perchance? No, I think we all know what he’s cabout- so whack away and beat your rhytmn stick in time to the music.
8. Wet Dream: Max Romeo
Max was a much lauded Jamaican reggae artist, but sadly for people of my generation, his single “Wet Dream” was the only things he’ll be remembered by a naughty guilty secret pleasure about what boys do when they have nocturanal imaginings under the sheets.
The dictionary describes wet dream as:
“noun. An erotic dream associated with involuntary ejaculation of semen.”
The choruc line is “Lie down girl let me push it up I push it up”… an early forerunner of Whitesnake and cock-rock perhaps?
My local Christian youth club allowed this single to be played, while banning Black Sabbath’s single Evil Woman b/w Wicked World. Something not right there!
a rare live performance here!
9. Turning Japanese The Vapors
The BBC were happy to have the Vapors appear on Top of the Pops and perform the song, clearly missing the link between a bloke looking at a girl’s photo and then “turning Japanese”- which as every schoolboy knows, means having a J. Arthur Rank and at the climax, narrowing your eyes, making strange guttural sounds, and contorting the face… like a gentleman from Nippon!
10. Blister in the Sun: Violent Femmes
“Body and beats/I stain my sheets” Yes, we’re in familiar territory here.In fact the drummer in the photo above appears to be turning a bit japanese while stroking his implement with a pair of brushes…
Some people have argued that the song is about trying to come off heroin, because that’s more acceptable than a straightforward Wank Ditty. Well you listen to it and make your own mind up. But just make sure you don’t take that beat-off blister out into the sun